An insider’s guide to navigating the host of the legendary Cannes film festival and why this glitzy French enclave has much more to offer than films.

An insider’s guide to navigating the host of the legendary festival and why this glitzy French enclave has much more to offer than films.

For two weeks in May, the picturesque, seaside resort of Cannes is transformed into the core of the international film industry and a debauched haven for the jet set looking to hobnob with moguls and movie stars. Hundreds of thousands descend upon the palm-tree lined Boulevard la Croisette to take part, or at least get a taste of, the Festival de Cannes. Thousands of films are screened (some brilliant, mostly painful); careers are made (or destroyed, as this year’s train wreck Lars Von Trier demonstrated); and the world’s scantily clad starlets pose for an onslaught of paparazzi flashes (think a very pregnant Charlotte Gainsbourg in a provocative, see-through black gown).

FILM SCREENINGS
Unlike most film festivals, Cannes sticks to its elitist reputation by only letting accredited film industry professionals and members of the international press access its screenings and facilities. Due to a fascist-like army of security that could rival the door of Boom Boom Room, public access is virtually non-existent. Fortunately, two of the Cannes sidebars, Critics week and Director’s Fortnight, offer a small allocation of tickets to the public. But lets be honest, if you’re going all the way to Cannes, you want to be strutting up the red carpet past Brangelina into the Grand Théâtre Lumière to watch the next potential Oscar winner. In that case, you better hone your schmoozing skills, hit the party circuit and befriend a film exec to score a fancy official invitation.

**Note: Slimy film execs always have some extra screening and party invitations pocketed away for their friends despite what they tell you. And I would know, I am a slimy film exec.

PARTYING
As someone who is actually at the festival to work, you start to notice that as the fest progresses, meetings are starting later and people are being remarkably less coherent when pitching their films. This is due to partying and films having equal importance at the festival. In full disclosure: most of the work gets done at the numerous beach soirees and nightclubs around town. If you haven’t managed to score a film industry friend, master the art of blogging and you’re a shoe in for any one of the fabulous fêtes.

This year was jam-packed. The usual pop-up nightclubs, Nikki Beach, Le Baron and VIP Room (locations change annually) took the town by storm. In my humble opinion, Baron ruled the roost with its piano accompanied sing-alongs lasting into the wee hours of the following morning. Local mainstay, La Baoli (1 Boulevard de la Croisette, + 33 4 93 43 03 43), was able to keep up with the heavy hitters by playing host to an all night performance from David Guetta. And how could anyone forget how new international sales company, Red Granite, was able snag Kanye West from VIP room for a paltry $1.5M for their company’s official launch at Carlton Beach.

As for the biggest star-studded affairs, the annual Vanity Fair bash was cancelled and AmFar is, well, seemingly a snooze fest. I somehow managed to make my way to the annual Paul Allen party on his mega-yacht, Octopus. It was not exactly a rager, but I will say its hard to eavesdrop on A-list guests when one is leaning against a priceless collection of Jasper Johns and Warhols or taking a tour of Allen’s totally real yellow submarine (complete with cascading waterfall in the background). Just for good measure, we’ll throw in some of those celebs I didn’t notice…Sean Penn, Jodie Foster, Ryan Gosling, Bar Refaeli, etc.

WHERE TO STAY
This is the category that separates the men from the boys. And the holy grail being the über stylish Hotel Du Cap Eden Roc (10 Boulevard John F Kennedy, Antibes + 33 4 93 61 39 01, call for rates). This luxurious, secluded and storied hotel (F. Scott Fitzgerald based the Hôtel des Étrangers in Tender is the Night on it), has been a mecca for the rich and famous since the 1920s. Carved out of a cliff side, the seawater swimming pool extending into the Mediterranean is a huge draw for celebs and paparazzi alike. If the price tag is a bit beyond your reach, it’s still worth it to take a trip out there and check out the hotel bar. I guarantee some good stargazing.

The Hotel Martinez (73 Boulevard de la Croisette, Cannes +33 4 92 98 73 00, 550-2900€) continues to be the top choice for those itching to be in the center of the Cannes universe. This unassuming art deco hotel’s Penthouse floor, which features eleven suites, are the most in demand accommodations in town. The hotel also features a private beach and a 2 Michelin star restaurant, La Palme D’or. During the fest, a barricade surrounds the hotel with hundreds of onlookers waiting for a glimpse of something. I’m not sure what as the only things I’ve ever seen come out of the hotel driveway was a cavalcade of Peugeots.

If you are anti-hostel like me, you need to find a place to stay on the cheap. The best option is to rent an apartment from one of the many vacation rental services in Cannes. There are hundreds of furnished and clean apartments in town that can sleep a few or a small army depending on your desired sleeping configuration. Some reliable options are (www.cannes-accommodation.com, www.azur-online.com).

WHERE TO EAT
The French love their food. So, it will come as no surprise that Cannes has some delectable culinary offerings. However, one must be cautious because all the restaurants kind of look the same. Without proper preparation, you may soon realize you’ve been roped into a townie establishment where the food tastes like cardboard and you are surrounded by the French version of the Jersey Shore.


It may surprise you, but the food of choice in this town is actually pizza. Thin crust. Cheese melted to perfection. A gooey egg dropped in the middle.

I have found there are two schools of thought on who reigns as Cannes pizza champion. Le Vesuvio vs. La Pizza.

At Le Vesuvio (68 boulevard Croisette, Cannes + 33 4 93 43 45 04) the staff is completely arrogant (excluding that bartender who gives me free champagne) and the crowd is as obnoxious as it gets in a bourgeois resort town but the pizza trumps all! Go for the melanzane or the merguez  with an added egg on top.

La Pizza (3, Quai St Pierre Cannes +33 4 93 39 22 56) is a more relaxed industry favorite at the based of Le Suquet, which is the old town of Cannes. It is a bit of a walk from the Croisette but these half-pie pizzas are pure cheese and pure comfort. The traditional Margherita will do and if you are feeling wild, throw an egg on top.

For a more fancy, French experience, La Mere Besson (13 rue des Frères-Pradignac, Cannes +33 4 93 39 59 24) serves up traditional provençale cuisine. Smack in the middle of a very rowdy street, this restaurant is a respite from the madness. You can enjoy your foie gras and rack of lamb in a homey and calming atmosphere.

GRAND CONCLUSION
Whether you are involved in the film business or not, or hate films all together, I think everyone should see the complete sh*tshow that is the Cannes Film Festival. It is something that you need to see and experience to believe. Is it as glamorous as I’ve made it out to be? Probably not, but it's definitely a rip-roaring good time.